One of the most fundamental psychological facts to grasp about the way a sociopath operates is this: Essentially, sociopaths view other people as objects that exist to supply their needs—known as “narcissistic supply” in the literature. Those needs might be anything from sex to money to prestige to the pleasure they obtain from pulling off a successful “con.” If you have something they want, and they think they can trick you into giving it to them, you are considered fair game. If they break your heart, destroy your career, drive you into bankruptcy, or precipitate a mental breakdown, they will feel no compassion, mercy, or guilt. They’ll feel contempt for you for falling for their con, and whatever suffering you experience will fuel either their annoyance or glee.

 

Of course, they wouldn’t be so successful if their motives and methods were obvious. A cougar wouldn’t be successful if it simply charged us upfront where we could see it coming; instead, they sneak up behind us and snap our necks before we even realize we were being stalked. Most sociopaths have perfected the art of seduction, whether they’re pursuing a sexual conquest or a business deal. A large percentage of sociopaths operate romantically (though not always), and for this reason, it is always wise to be alert to warning signs that appear early in any new, potentially intimate relationships.

 

According to experts, the “con” follows a basic trajectory: The sociopath “love bombs” their target: They focus an incredibly flattering amount of attention and admiration on you, telling you that you are soul mates, that no one has ever understood them or made them feel the way that you do, that you have so much in common, that they’ve been waiting to meet you their entire lives. They confide intimate details of their private life and history to you, giving you information that you feel privileged to receive, telling you they’ve never confided this in anyone before. Often, this information is designed to make you feel sorry for them, a tactic that causes most targets to make excuses for future hurtful behavior—they were abused as a child, their spouse doesn’t understand them, they grew up poor and disadvantaged, they had their heart broken recently or some time in the past but they’ve never gotten over it (until they met you, that is). On the other hand, specific details about other aspects of their lives might be hard to come by. They will either lie outright or keep things vague.

 

 

For a while, things will go swimmingly. You’ll feel head over heels in love, happier than you’ve ever felt. You might be dumbstruck by your good fortune in finding someone so amazingly compatible. Sociopaths are known for being master chameleons. Whatever you most desire or long for, that’s what they are. They have an incredible knack for sizing up a target, and for appearing to be the perfect match. If you have an antique store, they collect antiques. If you love cuisine, they used to own a restaurant. If you like white water rafting, they used to be a guide. If you tell them you value kindness, honesty, or a sense of humor most in a relationship, they’ll tell you that’s what they value most, too. They might be generous at first with their time and expertise, and/or showering you with gifts and expressions of affection and admiration.

 

But that doesn’t last forever. At some point, whether it’s weeks or years, the sociopath gets bored or tired of this part of the con. Or they realize that they “have” you, that they’ve obtained your trust and loyalty, which, instead of eliciting the same feelings in them, causes them to think you’re a loser who deserves whatever they dish out. At this point, they might start to blow hot and cold, disorienting you, causing you to think that you’re doing something wrong. If you try to talk to them about what’s going on, they’ll tell you that you’re too demanding or emotional.

 

Eventually, they start to abuse you emotionally, psychologically, verbally, and possibly physically, becoming increasingly destructive. This is known as the “devaluation” period. At this point, if a person stays in the relationship, they’ll find themselves more and more often the target of the sociopath’s contempt, blame, anger, and ridicule. Don’t ever hold your breath waiting for a sociopath to apologize or say, “It was partly my fault,” because you’ll suffocate. Whatever goes wrong is all your fault. If they abuse you, it’s because you “made” them do it. If only you hadn’t done, or said, x, y, or z, everything could have kept going along just great. This is often interspersed with increasingly rare glimpses of the loving, charming person you thought you knew, which keeps a target hooked. Many targets are so confused and beat down at this point, they accept all the blame heaped on them by the sociopath. They think that if they are just giving enough, loving enough, and understanding enough, they will get the sociopath to love them and treat them the way that they did in the beginning. This is a very dangerous and deluded place to be.

 

Finally, when you’ve lost your business, your looks, your money, your health, your heart, your mind—or they’ve simply become bored with you—they dump you. This is known as the “discard.” This doesn’t always happen, however. If you’re particularly useful to the sociopath, they might keep you around (lucky you). Sometimes, they discard you, only to come back later when they need something from you. Because targets so deeply yearn to reconnect with the charming, affectionate, generous “soul mate” they first met, they will often take the sociopath back. Or if, as often happens, the sociopath moves on without so much as a backward glance, the target will mourn the loss of the false, idealized relationship with an agonizing intensity and longing. Whichever end pattern they experience, targets end up emotionally and psychologically devastated, sometimes financially and professionally ruined as well. Some commit suicide, known in the recovery community as “murder by suicide.”

 

Obviously, the above discussion describes a number of types of abusive relationships and not all abusive relationships involve sociopaths. Some involve individuals with anger management issues, for example. And if someone in this category is willing to get counseling and work on their problems, there is hope for the relationship, according to experts. The difference with a relationship that involves a sociopath is that they will never change and counseling tends to make them even more dangerous as they manipulate the therapist, gaslight their partner, and learn even more ways to bamboozle people psychologically.

 

So, what are the red flags to look for in any new relationship? Frustratingly, some of these “red flags” may not indicate sociopathic behavior. And it’s quite possible that you might meet your soul mate and fall madly in love right off the bat. But in fact, an early and extreme intensity to a relationship is a red flag. And certainly, if you start to notice any of the destructive patterns described above developing in your relationship, get the hell out, the sooner the better!

 

In the next installment, I’ll discuss some of the more common red flags that might tip a target off before he or she becomes too entangled to leave safely … or at all.