Malignant Narcissism
While researching the topic of sociopathy, I ended up getting an education in Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well. The two disorders often overlap, and sometimes it can be difficult to differentiate them. Although the pain that we can experience from unwittingly getting caught up with a narcissist may not be as devastating as what a sociopath can dish out (then again, depending upon the narcissist and your relationship to them, it might be), it can still be traumatic and cause lasting harm. In her book, Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life, clinical psychologist Linda Martinez-Lewi observes, “Being unaware and uninformed of the psychopathology, origins, and unconscious motivations of the narcissistic personality disorder is counterproductive and injurious to those who naively tangle with narcissists.” Ideally, it would be best to recognize the red flags that characterize a narcissist and to avoid them from the outset; once you’re entangled, it can be difficult to emerge from the relationship unscathed.
All of us, of course, can behave selfishly, cluelessly, and egocentrically at times; but a true narcissistic personality disorder represents a different order of magnitude. Martinez-Lewi comments that “some self-obsessed, indulgent individuals appear to be narcissistic,” but if we observe them more carefully, “we notice that they are capable of empathy and warmth … the self-absorption and demands for attention so prevalent in their behaviors are unconscious defenses they use to ward off buried feelings of worthlessness and deprivation.”
Narcissists, by contrast, “are incapable of empathy. When they extend themselves, it is all part of an elaborate act that enhances their image as a ‘good person,’” according to Martinez-Lewi: “Incapable of dealing with his inner world of hurt, mistakes, cruelties, traumas, self-delusions, he fabricates an impeccable self-image.” Those who suffer from NPD are not simply “difficult” or compensating for an inferiority complex; and they are unlikely to improve, learn from experience, or benefit from therapy or medication.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, published by the American Psychiatric Association, the traits that characterize NPD include a grandiose sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love, a belief that they are “special” and can only be understood by other “special” people, a requirement for admiration, a sense of entitlement, taking advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends, a lack of empathy, often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her, and haughty, arrogant behavior.
In his book, Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, clinical psychologist Albert J. Bernstein elaborates: The individual suffers from “a congenital inability to recognize his or her own mistakes,” believes most criticisms of them are motivated by jealousy, becomes deeply irritated when other people don’t do what they think they should do, regards anything short of adulation to be rejection, and usually has minimal interest in other people’s thoughts or activities unless they want something from them.
Therapist and researcher Steve Becker observes in an article on lovefraud.com: The mindset of a true narcissist is one “of immediate, demanded gratification, with a view of others as expected—indeed existing—to serve their agendas. Frustrate their agendas, and you can expect repercussions, ranging from the disruptive to ruinous.”
In a follow-up article, he adds, “For the narcissist, others have an obligation to maintain his peace of mind. In the narcissist’s world, it is on others, through their cooperation with his demands, to ensure his ongoing inner comfort and satisfaction.” He points out that, in addition, narcissists require others to idealize in order to reaffirm just how special they are: “He [or she] must be pretty special to have the enviable attention of someone so perfectly, admirably beautiful.” Yet, “idealized states are inherently temporary and unsustainable.” When the object of their idealization inevitably disappoints, the narcissist “will blame the formerly idealized object for failing to have remained as perfect, and perfectly satisfying, as he demanded.” When this happens, the narcissist literally feels betrayed and the former idealized individual now earns his or her passionate contempt.
With such characteristics as these, it might seem that a narcissist is easy to spot and therefore avoid. Unfortunately, many narcissists are bright, charming, attractive, accomplished, successful, and charismatic, just like a lot of sociopaths are. When they’re wooing you as their narcissistic supply, they will put you on a pedestal. A charming, attractive, talented person putting you on a pedestal is incredibly seductive and is very difficult for a human ego to resist. At first, you’re so starry-eyed, thrilled, and flattered, you don’t even realize you’re on a pedestal. You just think this person a) totally gets you and b) is just an affectionate, effusive, and delightful person whose attention you are lucky enough – or special enough – to have attracted.
Eventually, however, if you don’t occupy a vertiginous position in a social or professional pantheon so that the narcissist feels that your glory reflects well on him or her; or conversely, you become a rival; or you disappoint them (extremely easy to do), you go from being on their A list to occupying some particularly remote location in outer Mongolia. If you try to talk to them about what happened, they’ll think you’re crazy — What are you talking about? We were never that close to begin with! —and your implication that they behaved in a way that was less than perfect will pile anger on top of their new contempt. In such cases, they’re not being disingenuous; the relationship never meant to them what it meant to you, despite whatever they might have said earlier. It’s best just to cut your losses, walk away, and nurse your wounds with friends and family who don’t suffer from this disorder.
Like sociopaths, narcissists display Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde behavior. Like sociopaths, they lack empathy and compassion, and they objectify other people. As with sociopaths, everything that goes wrong is someone else’s fault. Likewise, you will find them saying things that are breathtakingly cruel and if you get upset, they will accuse you of being too emotional or too sensitive. If you want anything at all from them, you’re too demanding. They’re happy to offer help when it suits them, makes them look generous, or gives them a sense of power. But most of the time, when you truly need a friend, they’re nowhere to be found. As far as they’re concerned, the relationship is supposed to be one-way. As hard as it may be to believe, they honestly see nothing unfair or lopsided about that arrangement.
Unlike sociopaths, however, narcissists suffer when they don’t get what they want or things don’t go their way. They are hyper-sensitive to any perceived slight or criticism—whereas such things can bounce right off a sociopath—and are addicted to attention, praise, adulation, and special treatment. If the latter is not forthcoming, this can cause them a great deal of frustration and anxiety. Loss of face or status can lead to deep depression.
According to Steve Becker, the difference can be summed up in this way: “The narcissist uses others as a means to establish (or reestablish) the sense, and view, of himself, as special, impressive, dominant, compelling, whereas the sociopath uses others more for the pure amusement of it; more for the sheer entertainment of seeing what he can get away with; and/or for the immediate satisfaction of his present itch.” He adds, “In the end, however, the malignant narcissist is as cold-blooded, callous, and exploitative” as a sociopath. This sobering observation is worth contemplating if you suspect that you might have a true narcissist for a friend, lover, partner, parent, boss, co-worker, or employee.
I came across an interesting example of evident narcissistic behavior recently in the case of 17-year-old German novelist Helene Hegemann, which prompted this post. In an article on Salon.com, “Plagiarism: The Next Generation,” columnist Laura Miller discusses Hegemann’s response to having been found to have lifted as much as a full page of text from an obscure novel written by a blogger who goes by Airen. Hegemann was quoted as having told a German newspaper, “I myself don’t feel it is stealing, because I put all the material into a completely different and unique context and from the outset consistently promoted the fact that none of that is actually by me.” She was also quoted as saying that she practices “intertextuality” and that “Very many artists use this technique … by organically including parts in my text, I am entering into a dialogue with the author.” As Miller points out, “This would be more plausible if Hegemann had acknowledged from the beginning that she’d included work from other writers in [her novel] Axolotl Roadkill, but by all indications, she did not.” Miller notes further that it took another blogger’s “plagiarism accusation to bring Airen’s involuntary ‘contribution’ to Axolotl Roadkill to the public’s attention. If Hegemann intended to enter into a dialogue with Airen, she took pains to make it look like a monologue. If she viewed the writing itself as collaborative, she suppressed any urge to share those handsome royalty checks.” From this discussion, it seems clear that Hegemann felt completely entitled to help herself to Airen’s work and feels no guilt whatsoever for doing so; and if she thought of him at all, it was merely to appreciate the convenience of his having provided her something she wanted to use.
Unfortunately, narcissists as well as sociopaths are often handsomely rewarded for their unethical behavior in today’s society. The adulation that our society likes to heap on gifted people in the entertainment and sports industries, the dangerous amount of power that now rests in politicians’ and upper echelon bureaucrats’ hands, as well as the insane amount of money controlled by the upper one percent of our population, grooms not only the narcissists themselves but the acolytes they use to fuel their illness. Even in smaller, more local arenas, mini-me’s aspire to the levels of narcissism that their more famous counterparts possess. The constant drilling of the toxic culture of celebrity into our collective psyche ensures that skillful, motivated narcissists often thrive.
So we shouldn’t look anywhere but ourselves for protection from their soul-sucking exploitation. Narcissists can be found in all walks of life, can be male or female, young or old, privileged or from more modest backgrounds, liberal or conservative. If you notice that someone you’ve been thrilled to get to know seems primarily interested in their activities with correspondingly little interest in yours—unless your activities might somehow feed into their agenda—that’s a red flag. If you realize that the only time you hear from them is when they want something, that’s not a good sign. If they name drop, get irked when you express an opinion that differs from their own, or possess a band of fanatic followers, those are red flags, too. If you find them appropriating your work or ideas and claiming them as their own, that is a very serious red flag. If you find that hardship in their life is supposed to be met with a national day of mourning while your suffering is no big deal—or that their accomplishments are worthy of extravagant praise while yours are considered to be of no consequence—these warning signs should get your alarm bells to clanging.
Unfortunately, according to experts, there is not much that can be done except to be aware of the disorder and keep our distance if we start to see narcissistic patterns emerging in a relationship. If you think that you might be working with a narcissistic co-worker, it would be wise to keep an eye on them. True narcissists are not above trying to undermine your position in secret for their gain, and the possibility of their stealing or co-opting your work is real. If the narcissist is your boss, that can be very difficult, especially in today’s economy where there aren’t many options. But having some knowledge of what you’re dealing with might at least help you to cope with the situation better. In his book, Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, Bernstein gives some strategies for dealing with narcissistic bosses. It’s worth remembering, though, that working for a toxic boss can have very real and negative effects on your health.
If you’re married to a narcissist, the general consensus seems to be that marital counseling will probably not help matters. If you’re finding the relationship to be psychologically destructive (e.g., your self-esteem is plummeting or you’re becoming depressed), your best option, sadly, is to leave. Your partner is not going to change and will always see any problems in the relationship as ones of your making.
A narcissistic parent can be very problematic; in extreme cases, some children of narcissists have had to cut off contact in order to enjoy any peace of mind and heart. This is very hard to do, as well as very sad. Each individual will have to weigh for themselves the guilt they’ll feel against the pernicious effects of maintaining contact. At least be aware that, unless you’re their golden child whose accomplishments help burnish their self-image, you will never earn their respect or praise, no matter what you do. They will never change, your relationship will never change, and they will expect you to go to great lengths for them and do whatever they want you to do, no matter how unreasonable or at what cost to you.
Narcissistic friends are less problematic. If you aren’t too close to them or don’t depend on them in any way, you can enjoy their charming and superficial company whenever you see them. Be careful not to offend them, though; or not only will your friendship be over, there’s a high likelihood they’ll look for ways to get back at you.
One of the most powerful things that we can do is to learn from their negative example and not allow ourselves to look for outside validation in order to feel good about ourselves. We can strive to be our most authentic selves and feel good about that, take pleasure in caring sincerely about others, and keep our egos in check while nurturing a healthy sense of self-worth. The myth of “specialness” is a truly odious one. All of us are unique and have something to offer the world, whether it’s splashy or quiet. If we truly believe this, it can provide us with a great deal of personal power.
Above: Painting by John William Waterhouse, “Echo and Narcissus” (cropped)
Many thanks to my friend Shelley for bringing to my attention Martinez-Lewi’s fascinating title, Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.
Monday, March 1, 2010